15 February 2010
Shouldn't Hell Be Awesome?
Labels:
comedy,
commentary
0
comments
Just hear me out. Straight to the point here, no build-up. The Bible has always said all these bad things about Hell and even Dante's Inferno was very descriptive of the different levels of this place we call Hell. Every depiction of Hell we've ever seen has been torturous...and well, hot. That makes no sense to me whatsoever and here's why. How do you get to Hell? You have to commit a sin, do something bad, yadda, yadda, yadda. And Hell is run by who? Satan. So Satan WANTS you to be in Hell, right? Because come Armageddon time when it's Heaven versus Hell whoever has the biggest army will most likely win...isn't that the story? So if Satan wants you to be bad so you can end up in Hell after you die...then why the heck would he punish you for eternity? He should reward you! "Hey Steve, thanks for robbing that bank when you were a kid. For your troubles here are 15 hookers you can have your way with." There should be a Trump Hades Resort & Casino down there or something. Like all the strip clubs and casinos and drugs you can imagine...not fire and brimstone (whatever brimstone is) and torture and all that gross nonsense you see them depicting Hell as. Issa make-a no sensa!
11 February 2010
How To Win Arguments
Labels:
comedy,
commentary
1 comments
I argue very well. Ask any of the friends I have left. I can win an argument on almost any topic, against any person. People know this and steer clear of me at all costs. Sometimes they won't even invite me places...as a sign of great respect, of course. But now it is my time to pass the torch of argumentation to you (is that even a word?). Just follow these easy - i think - steps.
DRINK LIQUOR
Let's say you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual (like from that bar scene in Good Will Hunting) is spewing out knowledge on the economy of Estonia, a subject you know nothing about...at least you should. Why would you? If you're drinking some pansy health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot amazes your date. But if you drink a few Jack & Cokes, you'll soon discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Estonian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering insights and possibly upsetting furniture around you. People will be impressed. Most will leave the room.
MAKE THINGS UP
Suppose, in the Estonian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Estonians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Estonians be better off! DON'T say: "I think Estonians are underpaid." That's lame, so instead say something like: "The average Estonian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If the jackass asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too: "This information comes from Dr. Vladimir Youngblood's study for the Chesterfield Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."
Also, use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list:
• Let me put it this way
• In terms of
• Vis-a-vis
• Per se
• As it were
• Qua
• So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't so kiss my ass." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Estonians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that! But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Estonians qua Estonians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.
SNAPPY & IRREVERENT COMEBACKS.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at people when they make valid points. The best are:
• You're begging the question.
• You're being defensive.
• Don't compare apples to oranges.
• What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy stooges) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.
COMPARE TO ADOLF HITLER
This is your last resort...bring out the guns, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong in every way. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
Follow these steps and arguments won! Guaranteed or your money back.
DRINK LIQUOR
Let's say you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual (like from that bar scene in Good Will Hunting) is spewing out knowledge on the economy of Estonia, a subject you know nothing about...at least you should. Why would you? If you're drinking some pansy health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot amazes your date. But if you drink a few Jack & Cokes, you'll soon discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Estonian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering insights and possibly upsetting furniture around you. People will be impressed. Most will leave the room.
MAKE THINGS UP
Suppose, in the Estonian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Estonians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Estonians be better off! DON'T say: "I think Estonians are underpaid." That's lame, so instead say something like: "The average Estonian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If the jackass asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too: "This information comes from Dr. Vladimir Youngblood's study for the Chesterfield Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."
Also, use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list:
• Let me put it this way
• In terms of
• Vis-a-vis
• Per se
• As it were
• Qua
• So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't so kiss my ass." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Estonians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that! But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Estonians qua Estonians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.
SNAPPY & IRREVERENT COMEBACKS.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at people when they make valid points. The best are:
• You're begging the question.
• You're being defensive.
• Don't compare apples to oranges.
• What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy stooges) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.
COMPARE TO ADOLF HITLER
This is your last resort...bring out the guns, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong in every way. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
Follow these steps and arguments won! Guaranteed or your money back.
10 February 2010
Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
Labels:
movies
0
comments
Oh...Em...Gee! I always wanted to say that. So not only is a sequel to one of my favoritest movies of all time coming out...but it also stars one of my favoritest actors (shush, I make up words as I go). Wall Street 2 starring Shia LeBouef. Sequels usually stink more than a dirty diaper but since Oliver Stone directed the first one and he's directing this one it should be a blasty blast. Martin and Charlie Sheen make appearances in the movie also playing the same characters, of course. Can't wait to see it! Well...I CAN wait, but you know what I mean.
Seatbelts Shmeatbelts
REPOSTED:
I don't wear seatbelts. I haven't for many years now ever since a friend of mine, who had her seatbelt on, died in a car accident, while the driver, who didn't wear his, lived. That was enough proof for me that I'll die when it's my time, seatbelt or no seatbelt. I know research states otherwise but I'll take my chances.
I know there are plenty of people in America who feel the same way as I do. I also believe there are plenty of people who would agree that seatbelt laws are dumb. If I want to risk my life by not wearing a seatbelt, that should be my decision, not that of the state.
I thought about this some more the other day. I think it's strange that people, myself included, fuss about seatbelt laws and fines despite the three to one odds that seatbelts would help prevent injury or worse yet, death, in an accident. On the other hand no one ever complains about being asked to buckle their seatbelt on a plane! Hardly ever happens. Let's not forget that if the plane indeed crashed, there's a pretty slim chance that the little piece of fabric and metal is going to do you any good.
So with this newfound outlook will I begin wearing my seatbelt? Nope, and I'll still complain about seatbelt laws. However, I'll start NOT wearing my seatbelt on any planes. Haha!
I don't wear seatbelts. I haven't for many years now ever since a friend of mine, who had her seatbelt on, died in a car accident, while the driver, who didn't wear his, lived. That was enough proof for me that I'll die when it's my time, seatbelt or no seatbelt. I know research states otherwise but I'll take my chances.
I know there are plenty of people in America who feel the same way as I do. I also believe there are plenty of people who would agree that seatbelt laws are dumb. If I want to risk my life by not wearing a seatbelt, that should be my decision, not that of the state.
I thought about this some more the other day. I think it's strange that people, myself included, fuss about seatbelt laws and fines despite the three to one odds that seatbelts would help prevent injury or worse yet, death, in an accident. On the other hand no one ever complains about being asked to buckle their seatbelt on a plane! Hardly ever happens. Let's not forget that if the plane indeed crashed, there's a pretty slim chance that the little piece of fabric and metal is going to do you any good.
So with this newfound outlook will I begin wearing my seatbelt? Nope, and I'll still complain about seatbelt laws. However, I'll start NOT wearing my seatbelt on any planes. Haha!
08 February 2010
Natasha Vianna
Labels:
Photography
0
comments
Ah, Natasha Vianna. Probably one of the coolest girls you'll ever meet...not to mention gorgeous. But what more can you ask for from a Brazilian! Well that...and churrasco. Have you been to Brazil Grille in Brockton? Whoa turbo! That spot is amazing with a capital AMAZING! Soooooo good...and top it off with a can of Sumol, wowsers! So yeah, back to Natasha. This was where me and Peter's trademark "You're a tiger!" came from. I think history was made that day.
Click photo to enlarge.
Click photo to enlarge.
07 February 2010
Model: Emanuela Alves
Labels:
Photography
0
comments
I'll admit, when I first started shooting it wasn't as fun as I thought. I remember being nervous during my first shoot because I'd never done it before. But as time went on and with Peter's help these past few shoots have been a blast. Nothing like cracking a few jokes to make the models more comfortable. We had the soundtrack from DJ Hero booming in the background and yelling out silly phrases like "You're a tiger! You're a tiger!" And it doesn't hurt that Emanuela is just as goofy as we are :-P
Click photo to enlarge.
Click photo to enlarge.
Emanuela Alves Shoot: Behind the scenes
Labels:
Photography
0
comments
Another weekly photoshoot at my SoCo studio aka home, haha. This time we feature Emanuela Alves. I gotta tell you...my place isn't that big but we definitely make the most of it!
Have to make sure you have all the settings correct in the camera. There's nothing worse than snapping away to find out later that all of your shots came out too dark or too blurry.
And off we go. You really don't need a lot of equipment to make it happen. We started using the umbrella/flash you see behind Peter, but then decided to just use the natural light from the huge windows you see there...and the reflector you see by the couch. That's it. Bingo. Done. On to the next.
Ah, job well done.
The rest of the photos will be up shortly.
Have to make sure you have all the settings correct in the camera. There's nothing worse than snapping away to find out later that all of your shots came out too dark or too blurry.
And off we go. You really don't need a lot of equipment to make it happen. We started using the umbrella/flash you see behind Peter, but then decided to just use the natural light from the huge windows you see there...and the reflector you see by the couch. That's it. Bingo. Done. On to the next.
Ah, job well done.
The rest of the photos will be up shortly.
06 February 2010
One Big Retirement Home: Ft. Lauderdale
Labels:
comedy,
travel
0
comments
Earlier this week I went on a business trip to Ft. Lauderdale then decided to stick around a few more days and make a mini vacation around it. But the Sunshine State wasn't so sunshine...boooo! It rained all friggin' day, and when I say it rained it RAINED! We got the most rain ever in a non-hurricane...8 inches! Sounds like the size of my...stapler. I was gonna say stapler you perv.
But once our sales meeting was over and everyone flew home guess what...suns out full force and I'm tanning on the pool deck...so what does that tell ya? The sun loves it's alone time with Nelly Nandes. This is true.
So I check in at the the W Fort Lauderdale and let me tell you. This place rocks like granite! Not to mention that all the betties that work that are super fly which is never a bad thing. But can you expect any less from W? No not really. Oh yeah, see the roof one the right side of the pic? That's the WET, the pool deck. Yeah...kinda the shit.
So for the rest of the day I basically stayed in the hotel and relaxed because your boy was tired. THe morning I wake up at like 7:30am, don't ask me why, and I look out my window and see this:
...and I say to myself, "Self, this is gonna be a great day." Not to mention that I went down there during ProBowl/Super Bowl week and everywhere you turn there's something Super Bowl related. The Pats aren't in the Super Bowl so I really care zero about this weekend but if I had to pick a team it would be New Orleans because they have Reggie Bush and he's banging Kim Kardashian who's sisters with Kourtney Kardashian who I think is hot as shit.
Now, I WAS gonna go swimming in the ocean since I can't really do that back home...unless I enjoyed 20degree weather and snow mixed in with my sand. So I'm walking on the beach about to take a dip and I see this lifeguard house thing (what are they called again?) and I see a yellow and purple flag. Maybe the Lakers are in town too! I look closely and ummm...yeah...purple apparently is like the worst color on the beach. It means "Dangerous Marine Life"...aka SHARKS! Wait I'm from Boston..."SHAHKS!"
But I really wanted to go in the water so what do I do? I hop in my yacht that I happened to have docked down there, since I'm super rich, and I take a relaxing little stroll around town. It's not a HUGE yacht but you know, it's a recession...had to tone it down a bit.
After I'm done being a yacht pimp that I am I'm thinking "Dude, how am I gonna get back to the hotel?" You know, most people would take a cab...and it's really hard to get a cab in FTL...so I go rent a car. Do I go with the usual Maserati or Audi R8? Nope that's played out. Everyone down there drives one. So I say I wanna ride in style yet not look so pretentious and voila:
Who WOULDN'T want to ride around in this bundle of joy!?! So all in all a very relaxing trip. Definitely needed time away and relax. So then I check out and say bye to my new hottie W friends and who's checking in as I'm leaving? Michael Irvin. So I go say hi to my boy Mike cuz we go way back and I make sure the hotel gives him the room I just checked out of...cuz you know, he's Michael Irvin...the dude could use an upgrade. He was pretty excited about that.
So yeah. Back to Brockton.
But once our sales meeting was over and everyone flew home guess what...suns out full force and I'm tanning on the pool deck...so what does that tell ya? The sun loves it's alone time with Nelly Nandes. This is true.
So I check in at the the W Fort Lauderdale and let me tell you. This place rocks like granite! Not to mention that all the betties that work that are super fly which is never a bad thing. But can you expect any less from W? No not really. Oh yeah, see the roof one the right side of the pic? That's the WET, the pool deck. Yeah...kinda the shit.
So for the rest of the day I basically stayed in the hotel and relaxed because your boy was tired. THe morning I wake up at like 7:30am, don't ask me why, and I look out my window and see this:
...and I say to myself, "Self, this is gonna be a great day." Not to mention that I went down there during ProBowl/Super Bowl week and everywhere you turn there's something Super Bowl related. The Pats aren't in the Super Bowl so I really care zero about this weekend but if I had to pick a team it would be New Orleans because they have Reggie Bush and he's banging Kim Kardashian who's sisters with Kourtney Kardashian who I think is hot as shit.
Now, I WAS gonna go swimming in the ocean since I can't really do that back home...unless I enjoyed 20degree weather and snow mixed in with my sand. So I'm walking on the beach about to take a dip and I see this lifeguard house thing (what are they called again?) and I see a yellow and purple flag. Maybe the Lakers are in town too! I look closely and ummm...yeah...purple apparently is like the worst color on the beach. It means "Dangerous Marine Life"...aka SHARKS! Wait I'm from Boston..."SHAHKS!"
But I really wanted to go in the water so what do I do? I hop in my yacht that I happened to have docked down there, since I'm super rich, and I take a relaxing little stroll around town. It's not a HUGE yacht but you know, it's a recession...had to tone it down a bit.
After I'm done being a yacht pimp that I am I'm thinking "Dude, how am I gonna get back to the hotel?" You know, most people would take a cab...and it's really hard to get a cab in FTL...so I go rent a car. Do I go with the usual Maserati or Audi R8? Nope that's played out. Everyone down there drives one. So I say I wanna ride in style yet not look so pretentious and voila:
Who WOULDN'T want to ride around in this bundle of joy!?! So all in all a very relaxing trip. Definitely needed time away and relax. So then I check out and say bye to my new hottie W friends and who's checking in as I'm leaving? Michael Irvin. So I go say hi to my boy Mike cuz we go way back and I make sure the hotel gives him the room I just checked out of...cuz you know, he's Michael Irvin...the dude could use an upgrade. He was pretty excited about that.
So yeah. Back to Brockton.
05 February 2010
New Design!
Rock on with your socks on! Just finished a new design for the blog. Much cleaner and simpler than before and that's how I want to keep it. If you don't like it, then tough! You can leave! No...wait, come back, come back! I need you!
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