How To Win Arguments

I argue very well. Ask any of the friends I have left. I can win an argument on almost any topic, against any person. People know this and steer clear of me at all costs. Sometimes they won't even invite me places...as a sign of great respect, of course. But now it is my time to pass the torch of argumentation to you (is that even a word?). Just follow these easy - i think - steps.

DRINK LIQUOR
Let's say you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual (like from that bar scene in Good Will Hunting) is spewing out knowledge on the economy of Estonia, a subject you know nothing about...at least you should. Why would you? If you're drinking some pansy health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot amazes your date. But if you drink a few Jack & Cokes, you'll soon discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Estonian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering insights and possibly upsetting furniture around you. People will be impressed. Most will leave the room.

MAKE THINGS UP
Suppose, in the Estonian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Estonians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Estonians be better off! DON'T say: "I think Estonians are underpaid." That's lame, so instead say something like: "The average Estonian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If the jackass asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too: "This information comes from Dr. Vladimir Youngblood's study for the Chesterfield Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

Also, use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list:
• Let me put it this way
• In terms of
• Vis-a-vis
• Per se
• As it were
• Qua
• So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't so kiss my ass." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Estonians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that! But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Estonians qua Estonians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.

SNAPPY & IRREVERENT COMEBACKS.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at people when they make valid points. The best are:
• You're begging the question.
• You're being defensive.
• Don't compare apples to oranges.
• What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy stooges) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.

Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...

Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.

You say: You're begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians...

Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

You say: You're being defensive.

COMPARE TO ADOLF HITLER
This is your last resort...bring out the guns, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong in every way. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

Follow these steps and arguments won! Guaranteed or your money back.