District 9: Usain Bolt is not human

How appropriate that Peter Jackson’s new alien movie “District 9” came out this weekend. The same weekend Jamaica’s Usain Bolt broke the all-time record for the 100m by effortlessly finishing the race in 9.58 seconds. What’s the connection you say? Well, obviously Usain Bolt is an alien. I thought it was pretty apparent but a few folks actually think he’s human…cute. I just didn’t know they allowed aliens to race in Track & Field competitions. I could have sworn it was a human only tournament…I stand corrected.

I know it may be hard for you to swallow, but there are actually quite a few people that are convinced Bolt is human…weirdos. All the evidence is there, clearly, but I’ve convinced people to believe much stranger things so here I go. But first, just a quick background on our man…I mean, alien friend, Usain Bolt.

When he actually landed on Earth in unknown, but it’s believed to be sometime circa 1923. He lay dormant in his transport cell until the mid 1980s when he mysteriously appeared in Jamaica. He tried fitting in with the locals by joining the Track & Field team and it’s also believed that Bolt’s true nature has been known to Jamaican government the whole time. This is all we know about him so far.

So back to the fools who think this alien dude is human. Put it to you like this. At age 16, Bolt was the youngest ever gold medalist at the Junior World Championships. Not human. He was the first junior sprinter to finish the 200m under 20 seconds. Again, not human. In May 2008, he set the world record in the 100m finishing in 9.72 seconds, broke the record again in August 2008 with 9.69 seconds, and once again set a new record last week crossing the line at 9.58 seconds. He set 3 world records in the 100m in a year and half. Human? I think not. Oh…by the way, he set the new record racing INTO a .9m/s headwind! Had there be no wind at all he would have finished at 9.49 seconds! Humans don’t do that kind of sh*t! AND…I’m not done…he wasn’t even running full blast! AND…I said I’m not done…his new record was the largest ever margin of improvement in the 100m world record since the beginning of electronic timing! Take that!

So I demand a full on investigation on Bolt’s interplanetary background because it’s not fair that we have an extra-terrestrial species running and winning all the damn medals. I want all his medals and records erased and we’ll just start over. Send Bolt back on his spaceship to whatever planet he came from and he can take “Michael Phelps” with him…if that is indeed his real name.