Boston Traffic, Aaaargh!

I’d like to think of myself as a rather calm and easygoing gentleman. Someone who takes things one day at a time with a high tolerance for stupidity and nonsensical behavior. But if there is one thing that continually boils the very blood that keeps me alive, it’s traffic. I understand that in a city like Boston, congestion comes with the territory so rush hour traffic is inevitable.

But, it is not traffic in the Hour of Rush that bothers me; it’s all other instances of highway constipation. For example, just the other day I left work early, hopped in my car, headed down Mass Ave and hopped on 93 South by the Boston Medical Center when it hit me. Not a car, but the sudden realization that everyone and their mother felt 2:30pm was the best time to drive. It was Sunday! Who drives on a Sunday? Isn’t Sunday the day of rest? Let’s take a lesson from God; he rests on Sunday so should we. The worst part is that I was in a rush to get home and a Sunday drive home from work which usually takes 25 minutes lasted almost an hour. Where are you people coming from and going to? Do me a favor and stay home on the weekends, especially the weekends when I work. If you need me to forward you my schedule I will be more than happy to acquiesce to your request.

Staying on the topic of traffic, Boston by far has the worst drivers in America. New York and Los Angeles has nothing on the law UN-abiding citizens of Boston. Traffic.com even has a term, “curiosity delays,” to describe the idiotically nosy drivers who slow down to observe the aftermath of an accident. How sadistic must you be to want to see the absolute destruction of vehicles and people?

I should rephrase however, because it’s not that Boston drivers are awful rather many do not follow the unwritten laws of Boston driving. For those of you who are not familiar you are probably one of the idiots I’ve been referring to, but I’ll lend a helping hand:

- If there is a long line of cars for an exit, it’s not uncommon to cruise down the adjacent lane waiting for that one person to delay moving forward so you can jump in line. If not, just go up to the front of the line and cut in at the last second.
- Taxis should always have the right of way, unless you are bent on suicide.
- Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he throws himself under the wheels of your car.
- The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to strategically placed potholes designed to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
- Always look both ways when running a red light.
- There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic in Boston.
- It is Boston tradition to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
- When driving in the fast lane you must be traveling at least 10-20 mph over the speed limit. If not, move over or be prepared to be harassed by honking and high beaming from the car behind you.
- Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. - Directional signals will only confuse drivers so try not to use them.
- In the same token, hand signals won’t work either because Boston drivers, unused to such courtesies, will think you are waving them on to pass you.
- It is quite normal to honk at anyone who forces you to use your brakes. Brake pads do not come cheap so don’t waste them.
- If someone is on the phone and cuts you off you are encouraged to roll down your window and yell, “get the f--- off the phone you a—hole,” even if you have to put the person you’re talking to on hold.
- Contrary to popular belief the yellow light is not a signal to slow down. It is a warning to speed up and get through the intersection before the light turns red.
- When making a left turn employ what is commonly referred to as the “Boston Left” which occurs when you pull up to the middle of the intersection blocking the way of oncoming cars to your left and taking your left turn while cutting off the oncoming car to your right.