Snakes on a Plane?

The time has come. The moment you have been waiting for. The day that has garnered more attention than a Paris Hilton sextape. Maybe not as much but it's close. Today is the day "Snakes on a Plane" opens in theaters across the nation. I haven't seen this much hype for a bad movie since...ever! And finally the movie is here. And it's going to suck. Real bad.

But one thing is for sure, everyone will be watching it this weekend and it will no doubt be the #1 movie. Why? It's all about the hype baby! We all know going in that "Snakes" will probably be the worst movie since Gigli and Battlefield Earth, but moviegoers want to see what all the hype is about. It's a classic marketing move on the part of New Line Cinema since they know they will own the Box Office this weekend. It's an over-the-top movie with a dumb plot line but I'm sure will have its share of action. Plus, it stars the Baddest Man on the Planet, Samuel L. Jackson. Expect classic one-liners in this movie, lines that will be recited for years to come. But after this weekend, don't expect it to make much money. David Ellis, the director, was also responsible for "Cellular" and "Final Destination 2." Need I say more? But at the end of the day your ass will be in the seats this weekend.

Then the title, another genius marketing ploy. Again, you know what to expect. What's it about? Snakes on a plane! What else do you want? If they named it Pacific Flight 27 it would do horribly because you wouldn't know what to expect. "Snake on a Plane", genius, and almost satirical. Same with 40 Year Old Virgin (which is the #2 funniest movie ever made) and World Trade Center, you know exactly what it's about. But the fact still remains, you're most likely going to watch the movie. Not watching this "Snakes" is like being the kid who wasn't invited to the party. You know the party is going to be horrible, but the fact that you weren't invited makes you seem "uncool". Because that's what this movie is: cool. All the cool kids will be watching it and don't expect to see many people older than 25 in the theaters. The story is probably the worst since Time Machine but it's going to be a cheesy action packed movie that you'll probably forget about on Monday, but you will enjoy yourself for 105 minutes. That much I can guarantee.

But wait. I think I just figured out an ingenious plan to fight terrorism. Since the whole London terrorist plot has made people even more afraid to fly, what better way to prevent future attacks? Snakes on a plane! Think about it, everyone is afraid of snakes, even terrorists. Throw a few venomous snakes on a Boeing 757 and you have yourself a state of the art anti-terrorist program! Air Marshals are human so therefore can be easily coerced if it came down to it. But even the most skillful terrorist can't talk himself out of a fatal bite from an Australian Black Cobra. But there are some risks. Snakes being snakes, may potentially attach an innocent passenger, but I say the War on Terror is a global effort. Take one for the team. But I am a realist and I doubt Homeland Security will go for that idea, so I have a backup plan.

If we can't get killer snakes on a plane why not equip them with the only thing tougher: Samuel L. Jackson! Sam was in Pulp Fiction! Who's badder than Jules Winnfield? I know if I was a terrorist I would be scared out of my mind with Samuel L. Jackson on board. Let's make it happen. Who's with me?